Hello My Darlings!
In this world of tricked out sex toys connected to phone apps that vibrate with music, even allowing you to order take out pizza when you’re done- OMG, I’m not kidding! - how do we taste magically delicious sex?
First, we need to stop looking for simple bedroom tips and tricks.
Sure, we might want to improve our sex lives - I, for one, am a big believer in being a life-long learner. We may be born knowing how to have babies, but we are certainly not born knowing how to be good lovers!
Next, stop scanning the headlines that shout “Top 3 Ways to Make Your Man (or Woman) Want You”,
or “How to Liven Things Up in the Bedroom”. Sadly, these aren’t the things that make our sex lives better anyway. I say sadly because in some ways purchasing a fancy new toy or learning a new stroke is so much easier than what it actually takes.
What makes our sex lives better are the same things that make our relationships better.
Namely, mindfulness, self-love and communication. Play with these, and you’ll magically gift yourself not just better sex, but a happier, more joyful life! It’s magically delicious!
For mindfulness, stop and notice what you need to relax.
What does it take to be present in yourself? I have to either talk through my day with my partner, make an actual to-do list so it’s written down and not rattling around in my head all night, or have a glass of wine and listen to music. Sometimes I dance. Most importantly, I am making time and space for a nice sexual experience with my partner or myself. I am separating it from the day and clearing my mind to focus on fun and pleasure.
What about you?
Listen to your heart and your stillness, not the busy-ness we surround ourselves with. Learn how to set aside the day-to-day struggles with jobs, friends, children; the stress of life. It also means letting go of any expectation other than connection and pleasure. Being mindful is about being present and, in terms of creating sexual pleasure, about being embodied - in your body in a way that allows you to really feel. Set aside the mental expectations and performance anxieties. Each sexual encounter is a new experience. A new opportunity to connect, to dance with yourself, your eroticism and perhaps with a partner and their energy as well. Don’t worry about getting wet or getting hard. Just follow the tendrils of pleasure and take time to enjoy yourself without an end goal.
How does self-love play into this?
If you’re worried about your double chin, your flabby stomach, the way your thighs look in the light, you can’t enjoy the caress of your own fingers on your skin, or the grazing of your lover’s nails on your back, or the sweet sound of a sigh and moan - your own or someone else’s. Let go of what you think your body should look like, or what it used to look like, and be grateful for what it feels like and enables you to do.
Mindfulness will allow you to know what you like and don’t like, but your partner can’t read your mind. Tell them how much you liked the way they held your vulva, or the special twist they added during the upstroke on your penis. Be specific! For some people, this works best during sex. For most, this is best discussed before or after since you can feel vulnerable during sex. Not only share about yourself, but also ask about your partner. For example, should I play with your ass hole? Yes, but only when I’m super wet and rocking my pelvis, or yes, but only gently tease around the rim, I don’t like penetration. And as always, a simple no is perfectly acceptable and also helps improve your sexy time too. What you’re after here is information that helps you be, in the words of the inimitable Dan Savage “GGG” - good (in bed), giving (of equal time & equal pleasure) and game (willing to try something new, within reason).
Now anyone who knows me...
has taken a workshop with me, or even followed my posts for very long, knows how much I love, love, love my Magic Wand. It’s the one and only toy that reliably gets me off. And it’s helped me learn what I like, and how much vibration I really need. So I’m not saying to give up what you know works for you, or to stop experimenting with toys and your body. Keep those things, for sure. Experiment, be curious, acquire new skills. Just count on, expand and play with mindfulness, self-love and communication to rocket you to that magically delicious sex we all desire and deserve!
Wishing you much joy,