The Wheel of Consent - a foundational practice for all human relating

I have written a fair bit about the magic of #Bodysex, the workshop taught by the grandmother of female masturbation herself, #BettyDodson, now 90 years old and passing her life’s work to teachers like me. We form Betty’s army, a group of women dedicated to carrying on her brilliance through Bodysex workshops of our own. You can see this Betty and learn about Bodysex on the recently released Netflix show #GoopLabs with Gwyneth Paltrow - episode 3 is called, The pleasure is Ours. The army analogy feels appropriate to me. #MamaGena says it best, “We each need the focus and determination of warriors to fight the tide of self-hatred that comes from living in a patriarchal culture that devalues so many of us. It requires an enormous internal commitment: a commitment to treating the body as a sacred altar; to feeding our divinity a rigorous diet of pleasure.” 

This is because pleasure is healing, it makes us whole. So crazy and radical an idea, it just might be true! More pleasure means less hate, less hate means more connection, more connection means empathy which results in less violence. I stand fiercely by pleasure’s side, healing the world, one orgasm at a time. 

So I have come to believe that pleasure gives us back our power, power that was intentionally stripped long ago. And if pleasure is power, its polar opposite is guilt and shame. Like superman’s kryptonite, guilt and shame are difficult to fight and they make it impossible to gulp great big breaths of pleasure, forcing us to survive on what is barely enough to keep us alive. 

And so it is that on my personal healing journey of ditching body shame, I woke up to orgasmic pleasure and aliveness with the help of one Betty (Dodson). And learned to feel the difference between Wanting & Willing, to first notice then boldly name what I desire through another Betty. This is #BettyMartin, the creator of the #WheelofConsent and founder of the School of Consent for whom I am honored to be a teacher-in-training. Through not just my study of the Wheel, but my somatic embodied feeling and understanding of the Wheel, my life has been profoundly changed. And again, I am called to share this work with others. 

I don’t have a 30 second “elevator pitch” on the Wheel. It takes time to feel into its truth. But I have experienced it as a fundamental change in the way I look at the world, at all my relationships. It’s often easy to discern who is doing an action - my neighbor bakes me cookies - she’s doing the action, my partner gives me a massage - he’s doing the action; but much more difficult to know who it is for. Is that massage really for me? What if I’m just giving him access to my body, so he doesn’t feel rejected and so I don’t feel badly about wanting to go to sleep? What happens when he thinks it’s for me and I think it’s for him? We’re both actors in a bad play, neither connecting for truly mutual pleasure nor getting exactly what we want. It’s like a not-so-funny version of that childhood game of telephone - resulting in miscommunication or worse…

The Wheel of Consent has helped me experience more pleasure, joy, connection and freedom than I thought possible. In understanding that my Wanting can move to Willing and even Enduring in the space of minutes, and that my partner can’t read my mind - I have to say something!; in calling out the Guilt and Shame among other shadowy feelings that kept me from Asking for What I Want; in no longer resorting to manipulation or resentment or isolation or “giving to get”, I have embraced truth in relating, allowing myself to be seen, laying down my armor and instead wielding open, honest communication and vulnerability when it feels safe enough to do so. I have learned to open my skin and my body to the freedom of Taking pleasure willingly offered, a gift from a loving partner. And to the thrill of surrender in a whole-hearted Allowing, a gift to my partner that often results in mutual pleasure. 

The breaking apart of Giving & Receiving by asking the questions Who is Doing the Action and Who is it For has been key to my better understanding not just my sex life, but my relationship with others - friends, colleagues, my dad. The Wheel of Consent truly is a foundational practice for all human relating. 

My hope is that you, too, have the opportunity to feel its clarity and its power to transform you. Please consider joining me for a deeper dive into some of this work. It is truly a foundational practice for all human relating. May it contribute to a safe and transformative experience for you and your loved ones.

To join me in a Workshop, click here, and for Private One-on-One Coaching or Retreats, click here. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be in the circle of learning with you! Wishing you much embodied joy. xoxo